I’m 33 2/3 years old and I have never owned, operated or ridden in a hovercraft.
This may be shocking news to most you, but to me it’s just more than a little sad. I’ve dreamed of floating on a six-inch cushion of air my entire life. Ever since I saw the ad in the back of Popular Mechanics for the plans to build a hovercraft out of a vacuum cleaner engine and some dowel rods, I haven’t looked at Hoover upright without wondering if I could cannibalize it for parts.
I mean, who doesn’t want a hovercraft?
Probably the hippies. But everyone else I know out there who isn’t a woman wants, craves and deserves a hovercraft. Imagine floating over road, water and the homeless while feeling nary a bump or wave. It’s like riding on a cloud of pure silk spewed by angels and quilted with Northern Bathroom Tissue®. The only thing keeping you from drifting off and causing a low-speed accident on the way to the Gap™ are 145 decibels of fan motors and 12,000 cfm of moving air. Ahhhhhh. It’s almost like being back in the womb.
Of course, there are downsides to hovercraft ownership. While most seat two people and, therefore, qualify for use in the HOV lane, it is generally not recommended to pilot your craft at highways speeds lest your flotilla of coolness cause accidents amongst the easily spooked Prius owners. Also, hovercrafts rarely have cup holders or space for your golf clubs.
On the positive side, you can often find surplus military hovercrafts with .50-caliber machine guns mounts for under 20 large. Fashion your own micro-tactical nukes to these mounts and you’ll be clearing out traffic like chicken korma through my colon.
G.I. Joe had a hovercraft.
Later,
Fox
2 comments:
Good point.
I think one of the reasons that DIY hoovercrafts never caught on is because most vacuum cleaner electric cords are only 20' long, which might be cool for running out to grab the mail, but not for cruisin' with your girl to the local drive thru for some late night munchies. Ah, I miss those pre-adolescent dreams. Although, my mom's Hoover did have a retractable cord which would have made things tidy while parked in the garage.
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